Best. Torch job. Ever.

I've been humming and hawing about whether or not to post this, but I just can't resist.  A colleague at a university where I used to work recently retired, and the dean sent around invitations to his retirement luncheon.  Well, it seems our retiree was not leaving with the best taste in his mouth, so he sent the following (to the Entire School!).  Since he seems to care little who knows, I share it with you here in the hopes that you may enjoy it.  (I have removed the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty)

“Dear [Current dean] ,

I do not know how to tell you this, but my heart is not in this retirement celebration shindig. I will not be there at the lunch that you are planning for me. I hate [distinguished professor]. I hate [former dean]. I hate the entire Mechanical Engineering Department. I hate the way you all treated me over the past 43 years. I think that it is disgraceful that you are asking people to pay for their own wretched lunches to come to honour me. How uncivilized can it be? After all the millions of dollars I brought into this univesity [sic], can't it afford to pay for a lousy luncheon in my honour? I never got a proper promotion or a meaningful raise in salary while inferiour individiouls [sic] got promoted and bloated into disproportionate levels [sic]. I got a copy of the latest [University] magazine. According to it, the average salary (9-10 month) of a full professor at [University] is 125,000 dollars. Mine isn't even 100,000! Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My linternational [sic] famous laboratory (see your own write up) was invaded and destroyed by in January 2007 and I was put out of scientific research for good in order to take care of a newly brought assistant professor. I say, the hell with you all. I hope the [University] stink will not stay on my skin when I leave here and go happily to Hawaii.


With nothing good to say about any of you at all, I remain

[Disgruntled retiree]"